You know it hurt you. You still miss them.

That is one of the most confusing parts of a trauma bond. You may remember clearly what was said and done, and still find yourself rereading old messages or wondering whether it was really that bad. You may have left and gone back more than once.

That pull is not a sign that you are weak or that you wanted to be hurt. It can be a sign that your mind and body adapted to a relationship that kept moving between pain and relief. Therapy can help you make sense of that attachment without shame.

Jami Saperstein, LPC (Virginia #0701014656), LMHC (Florida #MH19185), works online with adults across Virginia who are trying to understand, loosen, or heal from a trauma bond with a partner, former spouse, parent, or other family member. You do not need to prove the other person is a narcissist to get support.

What a trauma bond is.

A trauma bond can develop when hurt, fear, criticism, or instability are repeatedly followed by affection, apology, reassurance, or a promise that things will be different. Over time, the same person who causes the distress can also become the main source of relief. The good moments start to feel like proof that the relationship can work, and the painful moments become easier to explain away.

For a deeper explanation, read what trauma bonding is and why it can feel so hard to leave.

Signs a trauma bond may be part of your story.

You might notice some of the following:

  • Feeling pulled back after being hurt. The urge to reach out can be strongest right after a painful moment.
  • Holding on to the good times. Warm memories make the harder pattern difficult to keep in view.
  • Working hard to prevent their reaction. You plan conversations, soften your words, or keep the peace at your own expense.
  • Blaming yourself. You wonder what you did to cause behavior that scared, belittled, or hurt you.
  • Doubting your own memory or judgment. You replay events and are no longer sure what happened.
  • Feeling physically unsettled when you take space. Distance can bring restlessness, sleep trouble, or a strong craving for contact.

For a fuller list, see 10 signs of trauma bonding. If you are not sure whether what you are experiencing is a trauma bond or codependency, trauma bond vs. codependency walks through how they differ and where they overlap.

Why it can be so hard to leave, or to stay gone.

Leaving a trauma bond is rarely one clean decision. Shared history, children, finances, family ties, and genuine love can all be part of the picture. When the relationship has been the place you go for comfort, stepping away can feel like losing the only thing that settles you, even though it is also the thing that hurts.

Many people feel a kind of withdrawal after creating distance: intrusive thoughts, grief, anxiety, and a strong pull to reconnect. These reactions can make you question whether leaving was right. They do not mean you made a mistake. You can read more about trauma bond withdrawal symptoms and how to get through the hardest days, or about how to tell a trauma bond from love.

How Jami helps.

Narcissistic and emotional abuse recovery is Jami's specialty, and she is a Certified Narcissistic Abuse Treatment Clinician. Her style is warm, direct, and collaborative. Therapy does not ask you to stop caring overnight or to make a decision before you are ready. It makes room for both the part of you that knows the relationship was harmful and the part that still feels attached.

Depending on what fits you, sessions may draw on:

  • Trauma-informed therapy that respects your pace and recognizes why your reactions make sense.
  • Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) to notice the self-blame and "maybe it was me" thinking that keeps the cycle going.
  • Somatic approaches and grounding skills to help your body settle when the pull to reconnect feels overwhelming.
  • Attachment-based and relational work to understand how earlier relationships may shape what feels familiar now.

Together, you can name the cycle, notice the situations that make the pull stronger, grieve what you hoped the relationship would be, and build support outside it. You can also practice boundaries that fit your real circumstances, whether that means no contact, limited contact, or careful co-parenting. For practical steps between sessions, see how to break a trauma bond.

Safety comes first.

If the relationship involves threats, intimidation, or fear for your physical safety, leaving can carry real risk. Therapy can include safety planning, and you do not have to make a dramatic exit to begin healing.

Online sessions from anywhere in Virginia.

Jami Saperstein, LPC (Virginia #0701014656), LMHC (Florida #MH19185), works online with adults across Virginia. Sessions are held by secure video on Zoom, and there is no Virginia office. You will need a steady internet connection, a phone, tablet, or computer with a camera, and a private space where you can speak without being overheard. Because of licensing rules, you need to be physically located in Virginia or Florida at the time of each session.

Before your first session, you will receive a secure link to complete intake forms through SimplePractice. Individual sessions are 50–55 minutes.

Adults across Virginia.

Jami works with adults in Northern Virginia, including McLean, Great Falls, Vienna and Oakton, Reston, Fairfax and Fairfax Station, Alexandria, Arlington and Falls Church, and Loudoun County. She also works with adults in Richmond, Short Pump and Goochland, Charlottesville, and everywhere else in the state. See online therapy in Virginia for more about virtual care across Virginia.

Related support in Virginia.

Fees, insurance, and cancellations.

  • Self-pay: $175 per session.
  • Insurance: Jami is in network with UnitedHealthcare, Cigna, and Aetna. Coverage and copays vary by plan, so check your behavioral health benefits with your insurer before your first session.
  • Out-of-network plans: a superbill is available so you can submit sessions to your insurer for possible reimbursement. What you get back depends on your plan.
  • Cancellations: please give at least 24 hours' notice to cancel or reschedule. Late cancellations and no-shows are charged the full session fee.

See fees & insurance.